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" My face is oblong. But the best grooming is confidence. "

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" If you're a psychologist, you can instrumentally change peoples lives for the better. But you can only do that for about 300 people to maybe a thousand people - if you're really prolific and you're working really hard. "

" It's much better to wreak havoc on a show and be a maniac than promote myself. Plugs and anecdotes aren't really in line with my beliefs. Besides, if someone sees me on a morning show and thinks, 'That's not funny; this guy is crazy,' then I don't want them to come to the show anyway. "

" Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird. "

" Comedy gives you a shot of euphoria that distracts you from everything that's awful. "

" I do like the idea of being an auteur in the sense of writing and being in your own stuff. "

" I don't really know how to act that much. I'm quite good at comedy, but it's mostly acting naturally. "

" People dream their whole lives of their Oscar speech; I dreamt my whole life of hosting the Oscars. "

" It doesn't matter to me if I'm in love with my performance, so I watch all of my performances to understand and learn from them and figure out what's working and what's not. And I see the movies that I'm in in the theater a lot. "

" Listen to my voice - I sound like I'm permanently congested. "

" To become the best comedian, I must be well-rounded. "

" When you get into a car, and there's trash, or it's dirty, or one of the hubcaps is off, you're like, 'Come on, dude.' Every woman likes the confidence and self-respect that says, 'I get oil changes. I look after my vehicle.' That's what I recommend: Act like you don't care, but take care of your body. "

" I consider myself a fairly ethical individual while I do have a lot of dichotomies within me. We're all victims of our own hypocrisy at times. "

" We're not a nation divided: we're a nation broken, and anything broken can be fixed. "

" I think it is very important to be a method actor. "

" By the very nature of satire or parody, you have to love and respect your target and respect it enough to understand every aspect of it, so you can more effectively make fun of it. "

" I like hip-hop, but I don't like concerts. There's, like, sweat on people's backs. "

" I try to be an ethical, moral person and a nice person, and I like to have that reflected in my comedy. I'm not a mean comedian, and I don't think that my comedy is mean. I think that for the most part, it's more focused on the diversity that we all handle and try to provide a distraction from the disaster of modern living. "

" My father always said I have a face for radio, and 'Cloverfield' was one of my finest pieces of work. "

" I don't sit and write stand-up material; I come up with an idea onstage. "

" Every time I could possibly be doing stand up, I am. "

" I don't prepare for anything very well. I am not a good actor. I don't read scripts. "

" I feel like I've forcefully been thrust into the tech world, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. "

" I wouldn't want to be Superman. Batman would be cool. But the one I've always wanted to play is the Joker. There is a maniacal and dangerous side to me. "

" Mike Judge is my Jonathan Swift, and I say that because I don't know any other satirists. But the problem with satire is that it's so easily misinterpreted. "

" J. P. Morgan. He was kind of a douche. "

" I sound like a chain-smoking drag queen after a hard night of singing 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon'. "

" I love writing but not crazy meticulous/prepared enough to be a director. I'd work as a gaffer on something. "

" It's always fun to agree to be in a movie when you have no idea what it's actually going to be! "

" I do comedy to give people an ephemeral escape from the tragedy that permeates everyday life. "

" It's okay to take yourself too seriously if you're a serious actor and you've got the scrubs on. And then with me, it's kind of like, well, I'm a comedian, I'm making fun of everybody and everything. And I'm making fun of myself. I'm having fun making fun of and for other people. "