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" If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist. That was my other dream job. "

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" The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible. "

" I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated. "

" Being a celebrity, you always get really good seats to sporting events, but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. "

" When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off. "

" I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid. "

" I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them. "

" I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them. "

" I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself. "

" There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game. "

" Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar. "

" 'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going. "

" The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name. "

" Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now. "

" I was just sick of being fat, you know? You get sick of it. It just really, it's a tiring lifestyle to have. "

" Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight. "

" I don't think there's hardly a comic out there that does clean material all the way around. There's a couple of guys that are clean, but I'm not one of them. "

" My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals. "

" Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you. "

" I am never out there just jogging for the heck of it. I never do that. I start to run with a goal in mind, whether it's a certain time or certain distance or a specific heart-rate goal, and then I am done. "

" When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games. "

" International soccer has been a big part of my love for the sport. I love the Men's National Team. I can say that they're my favorite sports team. "

" Living in Hollywood, you can get disconnected from everybody. You can feel like you are the only one. "

" Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label. "

" The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time. "

" There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me. "

" Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures. "

" Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better. "

" There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it. "

" We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again. "

" It doesn't matter how smart you are; to audition for 'Jeopardy,' you just have to luck out and know what they're asking you that day. "