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" Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you. "

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" George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do. "

" I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself. "

" Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test. "

" I'm competitive at everything. "

" Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there. "

" I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated. "

" I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas. You can pretty much do it all day and all night if you want to. "

" If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist. That was my other dream job. "

" I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys. "

" The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them. "

" People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are. "

" I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that. I'd be embarrassed if that was the way I came across. "

" I'm the kind of person that likes what I'm doing when I'm doing it. "

" The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name. "

" Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face. "

" Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label. "

" That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment. "

" But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy. "

" I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody. "

" I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them. "

" It doesn't matter how smart you are; to audition for 'Jeopardy,' you just have to luck out and know what they're asking you that day. "

" After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine. "

" There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game. "

" Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know? "

" TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure. "

" The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job. "

" When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show. "

" I always run in the morning on an empty stomach, and I'll go through a bottle and a half of water. Then I have a protein drink or I eat egg whites. "

" I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian. "

" Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better. "