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" It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game. "

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" It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about. "

" I don't look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans. "

" Bargain... anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on. "

" Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil. "

" Men are not punished for their sins, but by them. "

" Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs. "

" There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it? "

" Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. "

" There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them. "

" When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money. "

" A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. "

" If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public. "

" It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. "

" Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best. "

" An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed. "

" If capital and labor ever do get together it's good night for the rest of us. "

" Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught. "

" It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you. "

" Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. "

" All the world loves a good loser. "

" A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one. "

" Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. "

" If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. "

" The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing. "

" Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause. "

" The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more. "

The Hardest Thing

" Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. "

" A loafer always has the correct time. "

" Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. "

" The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. "