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" It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people. "

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" I don't understand why people really get upset about something that doesn't affect them at all. "

" I have a very diverse crowd from old, young, black, white, straight, gay. It's a little bit of everybody. "

" Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do. "

" It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians. "

" I'm a stand-up comic. I'm always doing dates; it's just that, if I'm working on a project or I'm busy, I can't get out on the road or book any shows. Since the beginning of my career, I'm usually out for at least 10-15 dates throughout the year. If I have time, then I try to get at least 30-40 dates. "

" I was working at the NSA. I don't know, I was just bored. I just knew that's not what I was supposed to be doing with my life. "

" Stand-up, by far, is my favorite. "

" The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.' "

" It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh. "

" If a topic hits me, I'll start going on it. But you can't force it. "

" I tried snowboarding, and that scared the hell out of me. "

" I'm constantly preparing. Material hits me; I'm always writing. I go back and listen to my shows and just prepare and put my set together. But the day of, I like to have some downtime. A nice lunch is important for me. "

" I knew I was outspoken when I was a kid because, whenever my parents had company coming over, they would pay me to leave. 'Go see your grandmother. Get out of here.' That was my first paying gig. "

" The government shouldn't be involved in this because it's very simple. If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex. "

" I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up. "

" My worlds collide. When one things happens, it just starts a domino effect - everything else goes on. "

" I couldn't believe that Donald Trump won. I couldn't believe that we elected an orangutan to front the country. "

" I have to be socially aware; I feel like that's my job. "

" It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes. "

" People are going to label you anyway, but the one that bugs me the most is when they say, 'One of the funniest female comedians.' There's s no 'funniest male comedians.' You're either a funny comedian, or you're not! "

" I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys. "

" But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that. "

" When I'm not on T.V. or working on a movie, I'm on the road doing stand-up. That's my roots. "

" I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place. "

" I think sometimes celebrities can hurt a candidate. You don't want people to judge them on your last project. "

" Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it. "

" There's so many good comedians in D.C. I started hanging out with those guys. Dave Chappelle was there. Actually, Dave was too young to be in the clubs, so when his mom couldn't make it, he would ask me to pretend I was his aunt, so he could do open mike. "

" My wife asked me if I ever thought I would ever retire from stand-up. And I thought about it, and I was like, 'No, because it's my job; it's what I do, and I enjoy it.' It's still the most challenging thing for me to do. "

" I worked with people like Edward Snowden. Well, not people who took stuff home. "

" I tried theatre. I played Miss Hannigan for a short run of Annie at a regional theatre. That was fun. I enjoyed it! I enjoy theatre and have so much respect for theatre actors. "