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" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

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" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "

" I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "