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" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

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" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "

" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" People only have so much attention. "

" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "

" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

" I never set out to do a sketch show. "

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "