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" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "
Demetri Martin
Like
Mind
Never
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" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "
Demetri Martin
Girl
Love
Pet
" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "
Demetri Martin
Friend
Fat
You
" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "
Demetri Martin
Car
Driving
I Am
" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "
Demetri Martin
Always
Excited
Done
" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "
Demetri Martin
Internet
Every Day
People
" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "
Demetri Martin
Die
Fun
Sometimes
" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Kid
Me
" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "
Demetri Martin
Win
Wonder
You
" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "
Demetri Martin
Day
Looking
Looking Forward
" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "
Demetri Martin
People
Need
Me
" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "
Demetri Martin
Always
Live
Skateboarding
" People only have so much attention. "
Demetri Martin
Attention
People
Only
" I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. "
Demetri Martin
Punch
Line
Short
" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "
Demetri Martin
Keep
Like
Songs
" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "
Demetri Martin
I Love
Love
Short
" Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. "
Demetri Martin
Think
Thought
Walk
" I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. "
Demetri Martin
People
Me
Think
" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "
Demetri Martin
Actor
Like
Funny
" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "
Demetri Martin
Garbage
Because
Own
" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "
Demetri Martin
Apple
Problem
Move On
" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "
Demetri Martin
Done
Go
Easy
" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "
Demetri Martin
Romantic
Fun
Survival
" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "
Demetri Martin
Think
Stuff
Dreaming
" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "
Demetri Martin
Years
Started
Old
" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "
Demetri Martin
Love
School
Up
" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "
Demetri Martin
Drunk
He
Persuasive
" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "
Demetri Martin
Funny
You
Then
" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "
Demetri Martin
Important
Track
Me
" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "
Demetri Martin
Start
Calling
Just
" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "
Demetri Martin
Far
Go
Favorite