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" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "
" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "
" Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. "
" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "
" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "
" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "
" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "
" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "
" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "
" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "
" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "
" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "
" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "
" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "
" I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. "
" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "
" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "
" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "
" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "
" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "
" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "
" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "
" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "
" I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. "
" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "
" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "
" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "
" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "
" I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. "
" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "
" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "