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" Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight. "

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" When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side. "

" I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness. "

" Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, 'How many more years do I have on this earth?' But I can't really conceive of dying. "

" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "

" I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room. "

" Compared to what comics say today, I'm a monk, but in those days, it was unheard of to make fun of people like I did. Of course, they exaggerated how outrageous I really was. "

" Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. "

" The young comedians always ask me, 'What's the secret for staying around?' I tell them, 'There is no secret - just stay around. Longevity is the most important thing.' "

" I used to work over a bar. That was - there was no stage. I stood over a tiny bar. Louis Prima, rest his soul, he worked there. I was the guy that filled in when he was off the stage. "

" I was a mother's boy. "

" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "

" I did a picture 40 years ago with Carroll O'Connor and Telly Savalas, God rest their souls, and Clint Eastwood, called 'Kelly's Heroes,' which we filmed in Yugoslavia for six months. "

" Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. "

" Compared to what some of the young comics use for material today, I'm a priest. "

" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

" When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head. "

" Las Vegas is the boiling pot of entertainment. "

" Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. "

" Nobody ever dared with Frank, because he had such mood swings, and you never knew how he was going to react. But I could tell the minute I saw him that he was going to be in my corner. "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" My life was in Montreal years ago. Best food in the world. "

" I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. "

" Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. "

" To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. "

" Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? "

" Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper. "

" Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel. "

End Of The Tunnel

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "