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" When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side. "

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" I was a mother's boy. "

" When I got out of high school, I wanted to be an actor but was getting a lot of rejections. I was getting rejected by life. My mother, God rest her soul, told me not to quit. "

" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

" I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke. "

" I don't say I was the first, because, who knows, maybe there was a guy out in Minnesota doing it before me. "

" Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am offstage, but I'm just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on the television and watches a lot of sports. "

" Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood. "

" Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. "

" I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "

" Nobody ever dared with Frank, because he had such mood swings, and you never knew how he was going to react. But I could tell the minute I saw him that he was going to be in my corner. "

" To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. "

" I was a big shot in high school - big into social events and at the dramatic society - and I always had trouble in school. Not because I was a dummy, but I was always busy being the Jackson Heights clown. "

" I did a picture 40 years ago with Carroll O'Connor and Telly Savalas, God rest their souls, and Clint Eastwood, called 'Kelly's Heroes,' which we filmed in Yugoslavia for six months. "

" It takes many years to be a great comedian. "

" The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island. "

" Honestly, I didn't realize it - all of a sudden, I was 90. The years skipped by quickly. When it happened, I said, 'Where did the time go?' "

" Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. "

" It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great. "

" So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams. "

" Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. "

" Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. "

" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "

" At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. "

" Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black. "

" Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. "

" I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is. "

" If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance. "