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" I didn't get married until I was 38. "

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" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" I've never had a written script. "

" Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" I have a wonderful road manager, and he travels with me. And my valet and friend travels with me. My little entourage is great, and they take good care of me. "

" I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid. "

" Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is. "

" If I have learned anything, it is to keep my wife happy by sending her lavish gifts. Other men can learn from my success and send their wives and girlfriends fresh flowers for birthdays, anniversaries, and of course, Valentine's Day. "

" Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. "

" I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" We were Orthodox Jews, but we really didn't deserve it. I mean, bacon - my father said, 'Don't put bacon in the house,' but we had bacon. We didn't keep kosher. And we observed which today would be Conservative Jews. But in those days, we belonged to an Orthodox temple. So we made out we were Orthodox Jews, but we really weren't. "

" Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones. "

" I don't like to compare myself with anybody. "

" My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king. "

" Funny is funny. "

" To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled. "

" My mother was a Jewish General Patton. "

" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "

" It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great. "

" I was a big shot in high school - big into social events and at the dramatic society - and I always had trouble in school. Not because I was a dummy, but I was always busy being the Jackson Heights clown. "

" To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can't stand up - You can tell a joke. You're a good storyteller and a good joke teller. "

" My father was an insurance man and a small-time gambler. He was a good man, but he had an eye for the racehorses, and I saw how it used to bother my mother. I've never gambled a dime. Never, in all those years in Vegas. "

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" Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. "

" I do situations and make fun of authority and life. "

" I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II. "

" I was a mother's boy. "

" I used to work over a bar. That was - there was no stage. I stood over a tiny bar. Louis Prima, rest his soul, he worked there. I was the guy that filled in when he was off the stage. "