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" I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies. "

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" I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it. "

" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "

" My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head. "

" Everything I've performed has been from my own head. "

" Compared to what some of the young comics use for material today, I'm a priest. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" I don't drink much anymore, but when I traveled with Frank Sinatra, God rest his soul, I used to drink like I could do it. He made it a test. In Vegas, the Rat Pack, which I was a little part of, drank all night and slept most of the day. Then, about 5 o'clock, we'd meet in the hotel steam room, lock the door, and steam our brains out. "

" I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' "

" An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings. "

" You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter. "

" I was always the guy who made jokes and ribbed people at parties. After I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts I got sidetracked into clubs and started doing comedy. "

" Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib. "

" To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. "

" Sinatra was somebody special. "

" Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. "

" After I graduated, I tried Broadway, which was difficult for me. It was tough to get a part on Broadway, so I just started talking to audiences at different social gatherings, and little by little I became Don Rickles - whatever that is. "

" My life was in Montreal years ago. Best food in the world. "

" Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. "

" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "

" Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, 'Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?' "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. "

" Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "

" I don't do impressions. "

" You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it. "

" I did a picture 40 years ago with Carroll O'Connor and Telly Savalas, God rest their souls, and Clint Eastwood, called 'Kelly's Heroes,' which we filmed in Yugoslavia for six months. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is. "