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" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

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" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

" You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "

" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "