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" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Gone
Voting
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" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "
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" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "
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" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "
Lewis Black
He
Funny
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" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
Lewis Black
Get
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Had
" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
Lewis Black
American
Bipartisan
Public
" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "
Lewis Black
Rich
Tax
Going
" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "
Lewis Black
Thought
Mother
Life
" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "
Lewis Black
Daily
Think
Golf
" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "
Lewis Black
Gets
Comic
Psychotic
" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "
Lewis Black
Happy
Person
Angry
" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "
Lewis Black
Right
American
Place
" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "
Lewis Black
Ideas
Bad
Democrats
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
Lewis Black
Quarter
Property
Father
" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "
Lewis Black
Funny
Candy
Corn
" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "
Lewis Black
Single
Enjoy
Better
" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "
Lewis Black
Art
Many
Go
" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "
Lewis Black
Math
Sure
Republicans
" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "
Lewis Black
Teacher
Mother
Parents
" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "
Lewis Black
Business
Know
Nice
" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "
Lewis Black
Nothing
Stress
Trying
" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
Lewis Black
Milk
Soy
Thing
" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Ego
Health
" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "
Lewis Black
Get
Some
Me
" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "
Lewis Black
Day
Writing
Reading
" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "
Lewis Black
Food
Just
Comfort
" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "
Lewis Black
You
Want
Book
" The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die. "
Lewis Black
Day
Talk
You
" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "
Lewis Black
Thought
Brain
You
" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "
Lewis Black
Know
English
Liar