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" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

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" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "

" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "

" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "