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" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "
Lewis Black
Hate
Woman
Me
Related Quotes:
" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "
Lewis Black
Some
Yelling
Started
" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "
Lewis Black
New York
New
More
" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "
Lewis Black
You
Want
Book
" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "
Lewis Black
Because
Friends
Like
" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "
Lewis Black
Health
Fear
Belief
" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "
Lewis Black
Great
Family
People
" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
Lewis Black
American
Bipartisan
Public
" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "
Lewis Black
Gets
Comic
Psychotic
" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "
Lewis Black
Apologize
Tired
Too
" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "
Lewis Black
Business
Know
Nice
" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "
Lewis Black
Interview
Me
Pressure
" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
Lewis Black
Quarter
Property
Father
" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "
Lewis Black
Nothing
Interesting
Comedy
" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "
Lewis Black
Thought
Brain
You
" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "
Lewis Black
Kid
Father
Street
" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "
Lewis Black
Woman
Women
Compare
" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "
Lewis Black
Dream
Nice
People
" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "
Lewis Black
Funny
Candy
Corn
" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "
Lewis Black
Got
Fix
Without
" What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. "
Lewis Black
Love
Day
Find
" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "
Lewis Black
People
Believe
Start
" I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. "
Lewis Black
Play
Enough
Beach
" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "
Lewis Black
Too Much
You
Never
" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "
Lewis Black
Happy
Person
Angry
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "
Lewis Black
Push
Believe
I Believe
" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "
Lewis Black
Fast
Change
People
" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "
Lewis Black
Country
Lost
Water
" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "
Lewis Black
Vegas
Play
Country
" Self-love is a big part of golf. "
Lewis Black
Golf
Big
Part