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" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "

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" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "