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" Thank you, Occupy Wall Street. With your vivid example of anticapitalist squalor, I've been able to convince all three of my children to become investment bankers. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Three

You

Thank You

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" Politics is a necessary evil, or a necessary annoyance, a necessary conundrum. "

" My generation of Americans was the first to really care about racism and sexism, not to mention the I Ching, plus, of course, the Earth. "

" Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How'd they get so rich? Because they're free. "

" You're not a baby boomer if you don't have a visceral recollection of a Kennedy and a King assassination, a Beatles breakup, a U.S. defeat in Vietnam, and a Watergate. "

" Some day you will be wheeled in for a heart bypass operation, and a surgeon will be the person who is now behind the counter when you renew your car registration at the department of motor vehicles. "

" I am a student of stupidity. I am a political reporter. "

P. J. O'Rourke

I Am

Stupidity

" Upbeat is for people who want to feel good about their cause: the reformers, the progressives, the revolutionaries, the utopians, the collectivists, and the rest of the altruistic scum of the earth. Why do these people want to feel good? They want to feel good in order to convince themselves that they are good. "

" What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention. "

" I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer. "

" You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money. "

" One of the few benefits of being a journalist is that you're not in the Army. "

" The foundation of collectivism is simple: There should be no important economic differences among people. No one should be too rich. "

" Maybe climate change is a threat, and maybe climate change has been tarted up by climatologists trolling for research grant cash. It doesn't matter. "

" All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done. "

" People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it's simply a measurement. "

" Predicting innovation is something of a self-canceling exercise: the most probable innovations are probably the least innovative. "

" I like to argue with the radio. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Radio

Argue

" Raining on parades requires no skill or effort on the part of a politician. "

" No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour it's probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are. "

" The prevalence of mobile homes does not correspond with the prevalence of poverty, or with much of anything else. All that can be confidently said about America's mobile homes is that they are massed in places where you wouldn't want to be in one. Florida's mobile homes lie athwart the path of hurricanes. Georgia's are in the way of tornadoes. "

" Some people think that welfare reform should have hurt Bill Clinton with black voters. "

" To blame the existence of al Qaeda on poverty like Egypt's is a slur on the poor. "

" I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Tongue

Tough

" Satire doesn't effect change. "

" Globalization is simply opening the free marketplace to encompass the entire world. "

" Fall of the Berlin wall? Being there was fun. Nations that flaked off of the Soviet Union in southeastern Europe, Central Asia, and the Caucasus? Being there was not so fun. "

" We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scutter. "

" My ignorance is widespread. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Ignorance

Widespread

" There is no 20-year period in American history when stocks lost money. "

" One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn't there. It has to do with history. "