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" The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. "

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" When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old. "

" The secret of getting ahead is getting started. "

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" There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. "

" Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. "

" It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. "

" Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. "

" I can live for two months on a good compliment. "

" Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. "

" Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. "

" We have the best government that money can buy. "

" Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. "

" It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. "

" Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. "

" No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. "

" Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. "

" It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. "

" Necessity is the mother of taking chances. "

" When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. "

" Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. "

" When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. "

" If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. "

" But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? "

" One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. "

" Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. "

" The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives. "

" To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. "

" It is easier to stay out than get out. "

" Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. "

" Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. "

" Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. "