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" Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. "

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" Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. "

" Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. "

" If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. "

" A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. "

" The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. "

" The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. "

" Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. "

" We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world. "

" It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. "

" India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire. "

" Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. "

" Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. "

" The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. "

" To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. "

" A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. "

" We have the best government that money can buy. "

" Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. "

" Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. "

" Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. "

" The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. "

" Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. "

" Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. "

" Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. "

" Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. "

" There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. "

" Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. "

" It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. "

" Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. "

" Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. "

" It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. "