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" Until I carried my wife off to New Hampshire, she defined wilderness as the Bronx. "

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" Seriousness is stupidity sent to college. "

" Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. "

" Even the most left-wing politicians worship wealth creation - as the political-action-committee collection plate is passed. "

" China is trying to become America without democracy while America is trying to become France without cheese calories. "

" Fortunately, I'm married to someone who's a pretty excellent parent! "

" I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer. "

" There's a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is no significant influence from women in their lives. "

" The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. "

" Disney's Tomorrowland is deeply, thoroughly, almost furiously unimaginative. "

" Why is Iraq so easy to harm and so hard to help? "

" You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money. "

" Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There's more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it's awfully close to human. "

" People love to be told what they know already. "

" Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up. "

" Voting has proliferated in the United States, and it has reached a point where there is now almost one vote available per citizen over the age of eighteen. "

" Network television has been attempting to lure viewers for years with its low-interest programming only to have those viewers discover later that their brains are bankrupt. "

" My working hypothesis is that stupidity in popular culture is a constant. Popular culture cannot get more stupid. "

" The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? "

" A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. "

" Thank you, Occupy Wall Street. With your vivid example of anticapitalist squalor, I've been able to convince all three of my children to become investment bankers. "

" I believe in God. God created the world. "

" Libertarianism is a way of measuring how the government and other kinds of systems respect the individual. At the core of libertarianism is the idea that the individual is sacrosanct and that anything that's done contrary to the well-being of the individual needs some pretty serious justification. "

" You can learn all about the human condition from covering the crime beat in a big city - you don't need to go to Beirut for that - but a foreign correspondent begins to understand poverty from a different perspective. "

" I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works. "

" There isn't much room for an outsider point of view in print any more. "

" The problem with public school is not overcrowding in the classroom. The problem is not teacher unions. The problem is not underfunding or lack of computer equipment. The problem is your damn kids. "

" Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. "

" Accuse a person of breaking all Ten Commandments, and you've written the promo blurb for the dust cover of his tell-all memoir. "

Ten Commandments

" As murderous industrial magnates go, Alfred Nobel is right up there with Ray Kroc, franchiser of McDonald's. "

" As a former writer for the 'National Lampoon,' I've probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live. "