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" As murderous industrial magnates go, Alfred Nobel is right up there with Ray Kroc, franchiser of McDonald's. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Go
Ray
Right
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" Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and scope of government, and really the size and scope of politics in our lives, has grown uncomfortable, unwieldy, intrusive and inefficient. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Easy
Difficult
Politics
" Writing is agony. I hate it. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Writing
Agony
Hate
" A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Way
Only
Nothing
" There's a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is no significant influence from women in their lives. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Women
World
Men
" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Situation
Funny
Saying
" You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Growing
You
Children
" Excessive speed and quantity are, like chattiness and digression, besetting sins of cyber-assisted authorship. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Quantity
Excessive
Sins
" Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort. "
P. J. O'Rourke
God
Done
Way
" Liberals consider people to be nuisances. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Consider
People
Liberals
" Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Old People
People
Crazy
" The most brilliant satire of all time was 'A Modest Proposal' by Jonathan Swift. You'll notice how everything got straightened out in Ireland within days of that coming out. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Time
You
Brilliant
" Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Divorce
Legal
Children
" A penny will not buy a penny postcard or a penny whistle or a single piece of penny candy. It will not even, if you're managing the U.S. Mint, buy a penny. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Will
You
Mint
" Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Death
Die
Good
" Arab-led Islamic fundamentalism destabilizes nations from Algeria to the Philippines. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Algeria
Islamic
Nations
" Northwest Ohio is flat. There isn't much up. The land is so flat that a child from Toledo is under the impression that the direction hills go is down. Sledding is done down from street level into creek beds and road cuts. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Road
Street
Go
" Americans are good at pursuing happiness. And the Americans who pursue happiness most diligently show that we're also good at running it down and killing it. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Show
Running
Happiness
" Kuwait City is not gorgeous, actually, but it's got a kind of Epcot Center thing going for it. It's not pretty. But it's striking, I'll give it that. It's not as over-the-top as Abu Dhabi or Dubai. But nearly. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Going
Dubai
City
" Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I'm not even sure we can draw lessons from them. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Happiness
History
Human
" The 18,000 NASA employees are full of galactic talents and abilities and are ready to accomplish whatever they're directed to do. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Talents
Ready
Employees
" Everybody with a gun has a checkpoint in Lebanon. And in Lebanon, you'd be crazy not to have a gun. Though, I assure you, all the crazy people have guns, too. "
P. J. O'Rourke
People
You
Crazy
" Simply because something is a populist movement doesn't make it either good or bad. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Good
Bad
Because
" One of the few benefits of being a journalist is that you're not in the Army. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Army
You
Journalist
" I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Mom
Just
Irish
" As a nation, Kuwait has been, arguably, free of freedom itself. Claimed in turn by Constantinople, Riyadh, and Baghdad, Kuwait has survived by playing Turks off Persians, Arabs off one another, and the English off everyone. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Free
Freedom
Nation
" The Bible is very clear about one thing: Using politics to create fairness is a sin. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Sin
Politics
Fairness
" In Israel, waves of anger and fear circulate all the time, but so do jokes and gossip and silky evening breezes. So, too, in America. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Fear
Jokes
Waves
" You can't destroy America by destroying our elite. Think about America's elite. Think about it down through history. Destroy our elite, and about half the time, you're doing us a favor. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Down
America
You
" Never wear anything that panics the cat. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Never
Cat
Wear
" No doubt the ridiculous politicians are right to like politics. They have found careers in which success can be achieved by being ridiculous. Imagine Jimmy Carter or George W. Bush rising to the top of any other profession. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Politicians
Politics
Success