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" When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. "

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" Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel. "

" If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. "

" Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. "

" Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean. "

" In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. "

" Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. "

" I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. "

" There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. "

" What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. "

" It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. "

" Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. "

" Don't let schooling interfere with your education. "

" We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world. "

" Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. "

" Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. "

Do The Right Thing

" It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. "

" I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. "

" I can live for two months on a good compliment. "

" Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. "

" Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. "

" A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. "

" Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. "

" Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. "

" The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. "

" How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. "

" Golf is a good walk spoiled. "

" Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. "

" The secret of getting ahead is getting started. "

Getting Started

" Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. "