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" If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. "

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" Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. "

" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

" She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. "

" Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. "

" Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it. "

" Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. "

" My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. "

" When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. "

" The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. "

" The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. "

" It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. "

" Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. "

" To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. "

" I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. "

" A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. "

" Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. "

" Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. "

" Buy land, they're not making it anymore. "

" Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. "

" Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. "

" Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own. "

" Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. "

" Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. "

" A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. "

" Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. "

" If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first. "

" Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. "

" By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. "

" The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. "