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" I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. "

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" It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. "

" The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.' "

" A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. "

" It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. "

" Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all. "

" The secret of getting ahead is getting started. "

Getting Started

" We are all alike, on the inside. "

" Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. "

" If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. "

" The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. "

" Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. "

" I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. "

" Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. "

" Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. "

" There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. "

" The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. "

" Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. "

" When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. "

" Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. "

" Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. "

" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "

" My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. "

" All emotion is involuntary when genuine. "

" Buy land, they're not making it anymore. "

" Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. "

" Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. "

" Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. "

" Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. "

" In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. "

" How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. "