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" Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. "

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" A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. "

" What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. "

" Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. "

" India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire. "

" In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. "

" Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. "

" When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. "

" It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. "

" When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. "

" I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. "

" When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. "

" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

" Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. "

" I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. "

" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "

" Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. "

" One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. "

" By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. "

" It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. "

" There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. "

" George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. "

" All right, then, I'll go to hell. "

" Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. "

" All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. "

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" I can live for two months on a good compliment. "

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" We have the best government that money can buy. "

" Better a broken promise than none at all. "