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" Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. "

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" Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. "

Do The Right Thing

" George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. "

" But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? "

" Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. "

" Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled. "

" Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. "

" Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. "

" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

" Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. "

" Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. "

" There are lies, damned lies and statistics. "

" Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. "

" Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. "

" Buy land, they're not making it anymore. "

" Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. "

" Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. "

" A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. "

" Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. "

" The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. "

" I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. "

" If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. "

" It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. "

" All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. "

" I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. "

" A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. "

" Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. "

" It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. "

" The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. "

" God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. "

" We have the best government that money can buy. "