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" Liberals consider people to be nuisances. "

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" We will win an election when all the seats in the House and Senate and the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office and the whole bench of the Supreme Court are filled with people who wish they weren't there. "

" Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there. "

" Lyndon Johnson faced some clear moral issues. "

" The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that's the point. "

" The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. "

" The C student starts a restaurant. The A student writes restaurant reviews. "

" Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact. "

" Philosophy was once considered science. "

" The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. "

" Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt. "

" I'm not a tech-savvy parent. I communicate with my children via the old-media format called yelling. "

" Disney's Tomorrowland is deeply, thoroughly, almost furiously unimaginative. "

" If you want to join the Republican party, they have to let you in. There's nothing they can do about it. I mean, if Republicans will take Al D'Amato, they'll take anybody. "

" I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements. "

" The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen. "

" The 18,000 NASA employees are full of galactic talents and abilities and are ready to accomplish whatever they're directed to do. "

" Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. "

" I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works. "

" I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him. "

" There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages. "

" The beauty of democracy is that an average, random, unremarkable citizen can lead it. "

" The world is being run by irresponsible spoiled brats. "

" Simply because something is a populist movement doesn't make it either good or bad. "

" College professors used to be badly paid and worth it. Colleges used to be modest institutions; they should go back to being modest institutions. "

" I am a student of stupidity. I am a political reporter. "

" Soldiers are not policemen, and it's very unfair, even for those soldiers who have some police training, to burden them with police duties. It's not what they're trained for, or equipped for. "

" Love can never be fully explained. "

" What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text. "

" No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour it's probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are. "

" America is not doctrinaire. It's hard for an American politician to come up with an ideological position that is permanently unforgivable. "