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" Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. "

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" If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. "

" There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. "

" To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. "

" If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. "

" Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. "

" Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. "

" Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. "

" Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean. "

" The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word. "

" It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. "

" Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. "

" Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. "

" Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. "

" By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. "

" My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. "

" In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. "

" Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. "

" The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. "

" I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. "

" Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. "

" The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. "

" It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. "

" The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. "

" The lack of money is the root of all evil. "

" Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. "

" Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. "

" As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. "

" Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. "

" It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. "

" The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. "