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" The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. "

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" I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. "

" No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. "

" Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it. "

" Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. "

" There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. "

" A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. "

" Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. "

" My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. "

" Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. "

" Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. "

" I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. "

" My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. "

" Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. "

" Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. "

" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "

" The secret of getting ahead is getting started. "

Getting Started

" Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. "

" Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. "

" The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. "

" When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. "

" Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean. "

" Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. "

" Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. "

" Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. "

" Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. "

" In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. "

" Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. "

" Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. "