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" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "

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" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "

" You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "

" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "