Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

Related Quotes:

" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "

" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "

" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "