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" I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny. "

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" I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to. "

" I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available. "

" It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it. "

" I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk. "

" I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman. "

" I am probably a pseudo-intellectual. "

" I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. "

" When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. "

" I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' "

" A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself. "

" I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right. "

" I realized women and humor were linked very closely. "

" I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job. "

" Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one. "

" I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move. "

" I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger. "

" I don't get emails from my corporate overlords. "

" Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. "

" I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian. "

" If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. "

" I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living. "

" When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him. "

" I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck. "

" I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it. "

" I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck. "

" I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest. "

" It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television. "

" I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now. "

" My pilot's license. I'm proud of that. "

" I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do. "