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" I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck. "

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" I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job. "

Craig Ferguson

Looking

Stone

Door

" I try and live my life in bite-size chunks. "

" The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman. "

" A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself. "

" It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television. "

" I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny. "

" I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. "

Craig Ferguson

People

Children

" I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available. "

" I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move. "

Craig Ferguson

Time

Day

" I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now. "

Craig Ferguson

Young

Right

" I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living. "

" I am probably a pseudo-intellectual. "

Craig Ferguson

I Am

" I realized women and humor were linked very closely. "

" There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on. "

" Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me. "

" The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes. "

" My pilot's license. I'm proud of that. "

" If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in. "

" I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian. "

" The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. "

Craig Ferguson

Upset

Awful

" I wanted to be a rock star. "

" Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!' "

Craig Ferguson

Paris

Now

" Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. "

" It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy. "

" I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think. "

" When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him. "

Craig Ferguson

Drunk

Together

" Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child. "

" I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think. "

" I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' "

" I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman. "