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" I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' "

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" When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him. "

" When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. "

" My pilot's license. I'm proud of that. "

" I realized women and humor were linked very closely. "

" If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in. "

" I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now. "

" I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure. "

" I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. "

" I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk. "

" Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people. "

" I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained. "

" It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy. "

" I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck. "

" For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable. "

" I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel. "

" Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child. "

" There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on. "

" It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure. "

" I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do. "

" I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost. "

" I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move. "

" Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar. "

" I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. "

" The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes. "

" If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. "

" It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television. "

" Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one. "

" Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!' "

" The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. "

" All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals. "