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" A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself. "
" The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman. "
" When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. "
" I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. "
" Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people. "
" I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you. "
" I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.' "
" I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel. "
" There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on. "
" I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available. "
" I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck. "
" I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now. "
" I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian. "
" I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained. "
" I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right. "
" Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar. "
" All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals. "
" I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think. "
" I am probably a pseudo-intellectual. "
" The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. "
" I realized women and humor were linked very closely. "
" I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck. "
" I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it. "
" I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to. "
" Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one. "
" A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre. "
" They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best. "
" I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now. "
" I'm careful with money. "
" I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do. "
" HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it. "