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" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "

Lewis Black

Great

Family

People

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" Everybody's family has different values. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "

Lewis Black

America

History

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

Lewis Black

Who

Created

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

Lewis Black

I Am

Got

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "

" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

Lewis Black

Know

You

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "

" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "

" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "

" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

Lewis Black

Socialism

Got

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "