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" I'm a Jew. "
Lewis Black
Jew
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" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "
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" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "
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" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "
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" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "
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" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "
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" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "
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" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "
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" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "
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" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "
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" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "
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" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "
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" Everybody's family has different values. "
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" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "
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" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
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" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "
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" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "
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" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "
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People
" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
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American
Bipartisan
Public
" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "
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" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "
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Funny
" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "
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" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "
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" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "
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" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "
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" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "
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" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "
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Without
" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "
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" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
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" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "
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" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "
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You
Morning