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" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "

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" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. "

" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "