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" Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!' "

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" I'm careful with money. "

" All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals. "

" If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in. "

" I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think. "

" I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck. "

" Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something. "

" I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck. "

" If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. "

" I wanted to be a rock star. "

" Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people. "

" The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. "

" Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. "

" I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian. "

" HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it. "

" You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff. "

" It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy. "

" When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. "

" I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think. "

" A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre. "

" When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him. "

" I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk. "

" I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel. "

" Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child. "

" There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on. "

" I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. "

" I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it. "

" I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to. "

" I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost. "

" I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure. "

" The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman. "