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" I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. "

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" I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian. "

" That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "

" Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "

" Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it. "

" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

" Everybody's funny in different ways. "

" You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody. "

" The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. "

" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "

" I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial. "

" I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any. "

" I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her. "

" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "

" You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. "

" With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. "

" I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ. "

" I like guy stuff. "

" I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write. "

" A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen. "

" The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. "

" I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are. "

" When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers. "

" I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them. "

" Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. "

" The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. "