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" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "

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" I was a class clown. "

" So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation. "

" I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. "

" When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers. "

" My name has zero value. "

" My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in. "

" Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it. "

" I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America. "

" You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. "

" He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" Everybody's funny in different ways. "

" That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky. "

" The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. "

" With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. "

" I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. "

" I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian. "

" If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material. "

" You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. "

" I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. "

" A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen. "

" The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. "

" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "

" I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. "

" You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. "

" The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. "