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" I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her. "
Colin Quinn
Crazy
Two
Think
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" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "
Colin Quinn
Friends
Always
Say
" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "
Colin Quinn
You
Funny
Cake
" I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them. "
Colin Quinn
Audience
Say
People Say
" You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. "
Colin Quinn
Money
Nothing
Pay
" Everybody's funny in different ways. "
Colin Quinn
Ways
Different
Everybody
" People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper. "
Colin Quinn
Money
Present
People
" The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. "
Colin Quinn
Thinking
People
More
" When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers. "
Colin Quinn
School
Know
Look
" I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "
Colin Quinn
Think
Feel
Good
" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "
Colin Quinn
Kings
Feel
Reason
" It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. "
Colin Quinn
Trade
Crazy
Would
" The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. "
Colin Quinn
Life
You
Worth
" My name has zero value. "
Colin Quinn
Name
Value
Zero
" The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests. "
Colin Quinn
Live
Only
People
" I like guy stuff. "
Colin Quinn
Stuff
Like
Guy
" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "
Colin Quinn
Most
Career
Interesting
" If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material. "
Colin Quinn
Job
Enjoy
Because
" I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any. "
Colin Quinn
Though
Think
Even
" He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "
Colin Quinn
Good
People
Place
" Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it. "
Colin Quinn
You
Days
Get
" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "
Colin Quinn
Person
Dangerous
Hands
" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "
Colin Quinn
Think
Work
You
" I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ. "
Colin Quinn
Myself
Think
Real
" I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. "
Colin Quinn
History
Situation
People
" A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen. "
Colin Quinn
Face
Weird
Everything
" You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. "
Colin Quinn
Funny
Small
Small Things
" I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. "
Colin Quinn
Guy
Who
Smarter
" I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it. "
Colin Quinn
Look
Feel
Empires
" You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. "
Colin Quinn
Good
Funny
Writing
" The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. "
Colin Quinn
Crazy
Mind
People