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" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "

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" The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. "

" With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper. "

" The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. "

" You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. "

" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "

" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "

" It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. "

" I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ. "

" My name has zero value. "

" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

" You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody. "

" I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. "

" I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it. "

" You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. "

" I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian. "

" I always wanted to write as much as perform. "

" I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them. "

" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "

" So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation. "

" I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. "

" A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen. "

" He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" I like guy stuff. "

" Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves. "

" I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America. "

" I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write. "