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" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

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" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "

" I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial. "

" I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her. "

" I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it. "

" I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian. "

" Everybody's funny in different ways. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. "

" A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen. "

" Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. "

" The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. "

" I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. "

" Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are. "

" I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them. "

" The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. "

" I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. "

" The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. "

" I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ. "

" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "

" You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. "

" The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests. "

" I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. "

" I always wanted to write as much as perform. "

" I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. "

" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "

" I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any. "

" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "