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" You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody. "

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" The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests. "

" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "

" I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. "

" I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial. "

" I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian. "

" You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. "

" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

" My name has zero value. "

" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "

" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "

" I like guy stuff. "

" I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her. "

" You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it. "

" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "

" A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen. "

" I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. "

" So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation. "

" I was a class clown. "

" If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material. "

" It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. "

" With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. "

" I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. "

" My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in. "

" Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. "

" I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write. "