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" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

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" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

Lewis Black

Great

You

Only

" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

Lewis Black

Who

Created

" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

Lewis Black

Interview

Pressure

" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

Lewis Black

Family

Know

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

Lewis Black

Just

Insane

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

Lewis Black

Hate

Woman

" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

Lewis Black

New York

New

" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "

Lewis Black

Because

Friends