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" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "
Lewis Black
Find
Holiday
Right
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" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "
Lewis Black
Day
New Day
Great
" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "
Lewis Black
Back
Big
Like
" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "
Lewis Black
America
Parents
People
" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "
Lewis Black
Time
Thanksgiving
People
" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "
Lewis Black
Right
American
Place
" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "
Lewis Black
Think
Wrong
You
" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "
Lewis Black
Important
Leaving
Realize
" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "
Lewis Black
Ideas
Bad
Democrats
" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "
Lewis Black
Right
Left
Think
" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "
Lewis Black
Been
Started
Road
" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "
Lewis Black
Great
You
Only
" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "
Lewis Black
Dealing
Democrats
Reality
" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "
Lewis Black
New York
New
More
" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "
Lewis Black
Got
Fix
Without
" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "
Lewis Black
Drama
Generation
Parents
" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "
Lewis Black
Apologize
Tired
Too
" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "
Lewis Black
Ended
Up
Sense
" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Gone
Voting
" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
Lewis Black
Quarter
Property
Father
" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "
Lewis Black
Joke
Odd
Say
" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "
Lewis Black
Constantly
Having
Stroke
" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "
Lewis Black
Me
Know
You
" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "
Lewis Black
Interview
Me
Pressure
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
Lewis Black
Get
Broke
Had
" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "
Lewis Black
Life
Alone
My Life
" I'm a Jew. "
Lewis Black
Jew
" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "
Lewis Black
Place
People
You
" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "
Lewis Black
Group
Know
End
" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "
Lewis Black
Family
Go
Know