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" I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

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" Herb Solo at that time was the head of MGM. I said, 'I want to live like Clint Eastwood.' Did I know at that time Clint Eastwood, to him, Heaven was a truck, a dog, and a picnic basket for food or something? "

" I busted my bird for 60 years in the business, but my grandkids only know me as Mr. Potato Head. "

" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "

" I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' "

" An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings. "

" Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. "

" I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. "

" I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid. "

" I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew eventually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys. "

" Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor. "

" Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" In the 45 years I've worked in casinos, I dreamed of being honored by an organization like the American Gaming Association, especially since I don't even have a hunting license. "

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "

" When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last. "

" You know what's funny to me? Attitude. "

" My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king. "

" I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke. "

" Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? "

" I don't do impressions. "

" Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black. "

" Johnny Carson was king of the kings, in my opinion. "

" My whole act is off the top of my head. "

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke. "

" An insult is mean or unkind. Milton Berle called me the Sultan of Insult, and I was called the King of Insult. But the guy that gave me the best title - and I use it to this day - was Johnny Carson. He called me Mr. Warmth. "

" I have a wonderful road manager, and he travels with me. And my valet and friend travels with me. My little entourage is great, and they take good care of me. "

" The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson. "

" Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper. "